Adventures in Wonderland (Part Three)

Suddenly he knew the truth in what the rabbit said. It burrowed deep and stirred up something inside of him.

"Can you take me back? Can you take me back to the land of color? I hate it here! I have always hated this place! There is nothing here but slow rotting death. I want to feel again; I want to BE again! Please, take me back!"

"But you have duties here, milord." The deep voice startled him.

"My duties here are meaningless, Commander. There is nothing for me to accomplish here; nothing for me to live for! Please, rabbit, take me..."

But the rabbit was gone. He stood bewildered and defeated, his hopes dashed. The commander stood silently as the king walked over to where the rabbit had been and picked up a small pocketwatch that the rabbit had apparently left behind. The king stowed the pocketwatch and sullenly trudged back to the castle with the commander.

In secret, when he could, he would examine the pocketwatch. It was a curious piece, ever ticking, but with no numbers or tick marks on its face. Its hands circled aimlessly, never telling where they were going or when they might stop. It just ticked on.

He carried on secretly observing the watch for years. Never in that time did he gain anything from his observation, but it was a constant reminder of the life he now longed for. He wanted out of this kingdom and wanted to see colors again, but he had no way of leaving. He had spotted the rabbit a few times, but it always evaded him, sometimes diving into brush, somtimes under furniture, and even once out a first floor window, always disappearing before he could catch up with it or ask it that one question that burned inside him. How do I get out of this place?

Adventures in Wonderland (Part Two)

Read Part One here first:
http://papermeetspen.blogspot.com/2011/12/adventures-in-wonderland-part-one.html

His rule was not a great one, but he kept the kingdom intact. Until one day a rabbit bounded through his court. He was captivated by the creature, having seen nothing like it in all his time there. It's perfect form reminded him of another life, one far away and long forgotten.

He pursued the rabbit through the castle and beyond its walls. It led him into a deformed forest of gnarled trees with twisted trunks and bent branches. He could not follow along its graceful path through the bramble, but the rabbit stayed within sight of the road. They reached a clearing and here the rabbit stopped. It turned and asked him:

"Why do you chase me? You are the king, aren't you? Why do you chase me? What could I have that you want?"

And once again he found himself unable to answer.

"Surely you, king, can see past this black and white. You must certainly know what lies beyond. Why do you fear it so?"

"I lived there once!" His shouting reply came as a surprise to his own ears. "I lived there once and it was a land of foolishness! A childish waste of time! Always staring at the colors, making something out of nothing, it was all just pretend!"

"Have you forgotten how you came upon this kingdom, my lord? Have you forgotten..."

"Why do you call me 'my lord'? I've never seen you in my service and clearly you come from a land beyond my own! Where is it that you come from, rabbit?"

"I come from the land of color, the very land that you denounce. I come from the childish land of emotions and heartache. And so do you, oh king."

Adventures in Wonderland (Part One)

Her words stung more than the cold that had settled in over the past week. Winter had come and come fierce with claws and fangs. The cold bit at his skin and there was no snow to warm his heart. While the cold could be countered with layers, he had no armor against the things she said.

"You're just a boy!" She spat. "Just an immature boy! A boy, not a man!"

The words dug deep into a wound that had been there for years. He had never really admitted it, not even to himself, but this injury had to remain hidden. There was no fixing it, it was a terminal wound that would destroy him. And her words had stung it back into reality.

She was only joking. Pestering and sparring like they always did, but today she chose to hit hard. He would never know if she meant for it to hurt like that, but the pain made it impossible for him to fight back.

So he sank.

He sank into a fantasy where apathy was called invincibility. It was a weak facade, to be sure, not nearly enough to prevent the damage from her words, but it numbed the pain enough to where he could pretend everything was okay. So he kept pretending.

But he got lost in the fantasy. The black and white world was simple enough. It required little but took everything. The deformed creatures there seemed to be up to something when they called him "King," but they called him king and that was enough. He continued to rule there for years.

A Hipster Parable

Today is like a guy who was trying to get some work done. He sat precariously amidst the seasonal decor, gossiping housewives, over-enamored young couple, church small group members, and business men trying to keep it hip. The scent of the place had been lost on him. It's deep warm aroma used to be a welcome greeting, but, like the meaningful hug, the solid-but-not-aggressive handshake and the ironic t-shirt, it had been dulled from overuse. Abused as a drug. He wondered if it was there or not anymore.

Between pounding, grinding, and shouting, seasonal tunes play that, to him, are hidden behind The Great Wall of Headphones. Impenetrable as it seems, even its full-force sonic barrier is not going to bring the peace he came here looking for.

Sabbath

Perhaps it's the gentle balance of heart-warming vantages and the bone-chilling breeze
or the lively aroma of the shedding trees
or the crackling of steps through untrodden leaves.

Maybe it's the couples along the river-walk with hands held tight
or the spider's network of labor nearly hidden from sight
or the geese in the park preparing for their flight.

Whatever it is that makes it so neat,
I'm sure today that nothing could beat
This slow walk through the fall on Spring Street.

Ulysses

Josh Garrels is singing my soul again. These lyrics are from his song Ulysses from his newest album Love, War, and The Sea In Between. The album is free, so I obviously recommend that you pick it up (here). Ulysses is in my playlist for the blog, so I also recommend that you listen to it while you read along.

Ulysses

I'm holding on to hope that one day this could be made right.

I've been shipwrecked and left for dead

and I have seen the darkest sights.

Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night

But oh my heart still burns

tells me to return

and search the fading light.

I'm sailing home to you I won't be long.

By the light of moon I will press on

until

I find

my love.

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown.

Sirens call my name, they say they'll ease my pain then break me on the stones

But true love is the burden that will carry me back home

Carry me with the

memories of the

beauty I have known

I'm sailing home to you, I won't be long

By the light of moon, I will press on

SO TIE ME TO THE MAST OF THIS OLD SHIP AND POINT ME HOME

BEFORE I LOSE THE ONE I LOVE, BEFORE MY CHANCE IS GONE

I WANT TO HOLD

HER IN

MY ARMS

(emphasis mine)

Giraffes With Headbands

These are giraffes with headbands. Just a little something I was working on. I tried to find a picture of them online, but the entire first page of Google images didn't have one, therefore I assumed that it did not exist. So I made my own.

That aside, I'm not really sure what else to share. I've been writing some poetry and some other stuff. I've been inspired by the idea of storytelling in poetry as opposed to my typical modus operandi of puzzle-making. Instead of trying to encrypt my feelings into a linguistic and thematic puzzle, I've been trying to tell a story with what I feel. There's still a lot of the old puzzle-making remnants lying around, but I can see a difference in my writing. Can you?

Industry

I hear the whistle as the train comes 'round the bend.

Industry, machinery, toiling to no end.

Wheels turn, fires burn life to death to fuel the machine.

With blinders on, we work to claim what we've never seen.

With no true goal, we strive to see beyond our sight.

But some remove the blinders and in mystery delight.

And there find the life they've been burning all along:

Sight turns to art, confusion to joy, and sound into a song.

But with hammer I keep striking at my cold, dead life.

And here, before You now, life strikes back.

I'm down, out, KO'd, knocked out by life's first punch.

There, between the live I've always wanted and the death I've always feared,

There I will live.

Or how about this one?

Butterfly

There's a butterfly on the palm of my hand

It tickles but I hope it stays

I can't use that hand now

But I think I like it best that way

I remember when it landed there

It was too good to be true

And ever since I've been fighting

I want to grasp, squeeze, and hold it

So that it won't fly away

But my most tender grasp will kill its life

So I can only embrace it with open hand

Birthday Post?

So it's my 21st birthday right now and I feel awfully reflective. This birthday honestly snuck up on me. I didn't build up any anticipation until about 3 hours ago, and even now I don't feel very excited about this whole crazy idea of celebrating the anniversary of my birth into this world, this flesh.... But I do feel reflective.

I've been reading a fairly wide array of things lately. Between philosophy of religion, Chinese humanities, comparative ethnic studies, linguistics, and the typical blogs, bible, and articles on Relevant (along with a couple other Christian-Lit books), I have had a diverse stream of ideas running through my consciousness-dam. This has lead to a lot of insights and subsequent dramatic expansion of my perspective of God and things. I guess these are the things I'm mostly musing on right now, which seems odd. I feel like I should be contemplating the joy of life and being alive since it's my birthday, but it's barely 1:00am right now, so there will be plenty of time for that to come.

One of the crazy ideas I've been able to process lately comes from my Chinese humanities course. The focus is on the Tang Dynasty as a model Golden Age of Chinese civilization, but most of us in the class knew nothing about China beforehand, so there has been a lot of background info laid out for us to set the context for the rest of our learning. One of the biggest things I've grabbed from this class has been the idea of Yin and Yang and how challenging it is to the common Western mindset. We always seek to compartmentalize, divide, and understand things. That doesn't work with Yin and Yang.

A lot of times Christians will talk about the need for a "balance" between two things in life. This shows up with things like faith and reason, outreach and personal growth, prayer and action, work and rest, love and justice, abounding happiness and melancholy thoughtfulness. All of these things we understand as opposites that are working against each other. Praying isn't acting, reaching out isn't growing personally, believing isn't knowing, working isn't resting, being happy is not being thoughtful, and loving can't involve justice...

can it?

That's what I've learned from Yin and Yang. All these things that I try to divide and separate so that I can understand aren't really divided or separate when it comes to true reality. There is action within prayer and an aspect of prayer within action. Love is just and justice is loving. You can think while you're happy and be happy while you think. I can grow from reaching out to others and be equipped to reach out through personal growth. All these things are intertwined. They aren't two weights on opposite ends of the scale, they are two cords wrapping into the same rope. When I talk about needing a balance, I am really talking about wanting to be in control. I want to reach out just enough and grow personally just enough to make me happy (or perfect, or what have you). I want to make a formula out of life. But these parts of life don't have formulas. And that's on purpose. They shouldn't. God didn't tell us exactly how much of each part to have (with the exception of work/rest), because there is no single answer to that question and because that is the wrong question to be asking. We are supposed to be living honestly with God. If we can't be honest with Him then we can't be honest. In this honest life we have no reason to worry about getting everything just right. He will guide us and tell us where to add and take away. The real problem with the idea of "balance" is the underlying pride. We think that at some point we will get it all right, all balanced. We assume (maybe subconsciously) that we will eventually find and maintain these balance levels. God never tells us that that will happen. At least not in this life. The point of this all is that we need to live openly with ourselves and with God and stop trying to be something for Him. Because the balancing act is just that, an act.

I've also been thinking about belief and understanding lately. Basically, it's pretty dumb that we are so obsessed with them. Here's what Michael Gungor (who has a new album out, btw) said about it in his blog:

I think modern Christianity has placed far too much value on cognitive belief. In the stream of Christianity that I have had most experience with, it is actually the central issue to get people to philosophically adhere to a certain set of beliefs. This makes Christianity a sort of network marketing pyramid where the job of Christians is to simply get other people to believe like them so that… well, so that they can get other people to believe like them, and so on and so on. Like a pyramid scheme, it might grow ever fatter and larger, but doesn’t really have any point if the point is simply to believe something.

It reminds me of a little story Jesus tells in Matthew 7 where people are coming to Him at the end times and expecting a warm welcome. He tells them "I never knew you. Get away from me...." He doesn't tell them "You never believed in me," and He doesn't tell them "You weren't good enough for me." He says "I never knew you." This word here, "know," is really powerful. In the biblical context we see it being used to talk about the most intimate relationships man can experience. Jesus doesn't deny people because they needed to believe harder or live better, He denies them because they were never intimate with Him. They never knew Him. A little later in that blog, Gungor starts using the word "Reality" when talking about God. He says this:

What this does to my religion then is that my faith becomes more about encountering and experiencing this Reality than domesticating, dissecting or dogmatizing Him. It becomes less about “believing” in some invisible deity, and more about experiencing this Reality. The book of John refers to this Reality as “the Word.” Then he writes this beautiful statement that the Word became flesh in Jesus.

And then this:

Faith in God is not supposed to be primarily cognitive, it’s supposed to be an entirely different way of living.

Most people don’t primarily “understand” music. You listen to it. You play it. You dance to it. You sing. I’ve studied a lot of music theory, but I don’t fully experience music when I think about scales and modes and 12 tone rows… I experience music most fully when I engage with it.

Just a couple things I've been thinking about lately. Hopefully you can enjoy them as well :)

Falling/Thinking

Special note before we start: this marks the end of the my longest break from blogging. It wasn't a break in the sense that I told myself to take two months off, rather I just haven't had words to express anything in a while. That said, I'm back, and, thankfully, so are the words :)

Falling/Thinking

There's a cool breeze and cold toes

to match my warming heart wherever it goes.

The falling leaves crunch or run

while inside a spring has sprung for a certain one.

A particular friend,

an uncertain end.

An oasis after this desert dune,

or a mirage, more salt for my opened wound.

A what-if motif themes my thoughts,

I fear I'll try to buy what can't be bought.

Or it can, in a two-pack with your choice of red lights or divorce.

But I want the real one where we choose its course.

Less falling than thinking,

more loving than sinking.

This fire could create or consume, fashion or feast

And I don't know which one, but for now, at least,

I'm falling/thinking.

Joshua

I had coffee today, so I feel like I need to accomplish something. It appears that writing an overdue blog post will be that something.

I finished the book of Joshua weeks ago. I don't even remember when I finished it actually. It may have been during SICM, it may have been during the mission trip I went on with the youth group to Riverside, or it may have been sometime during the past few weeks here in the Tri-Cities, I really don't know. But now you know what I've been up to lately and I think it's high time for me to share about the book of Joshua.

When I finished reading Joshua, I realized quickly that my thematic summary of the book would be short. In fact, what I got out of it boils down to just three words.

God is Faithful.

That's pretty much it. During the first five books of the Bible, God makes a lot of promises with the Israelites whom He chose to be His people. I suggest that Joshua is, essentially, the story of God fulfilling those promises and proving His Faithfulness.

I really want to end this post here, but I can't. Lately, God has been showing this same extraordinary Faithfulness to me quite bluntly. I've had a tough time adjusting to life down here. It should be going fine. The part-time hours for the internship are enough to keep me active, but not too much for me enjoy the more chill pace of summer. Even the time I spend at work is a huge blessing. Getting to hang out with youth, play games, talk about Jesus stuff, it's all great. Life around the house has been good too. There haven't been any major lifestyle adjustments I've had to make (or many minor ones, for that matter). But for some reason

I've felt isolated and alone.

In my desperation, I refused to turn to God. I don't know what I turned to but it could only have been myself since I felt so alone. And I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. I stopped listening for Him. I cut all the wires I could find that connected me to Him and held the severed ends away from each other in case they tried to pull themselves back together. I refused to even dip a toe into the pool of Christian fellowship and instead dove head first into the escapist sea of videogames. It's not that videogames are a sea of escapism. But playing them for over 6 hours a day for an entire week makes them a leaky submarine into that sea. I was drowning alone in my own decisions. And I think I did drown. Or at least I got to the point where I had given up on breathing, because I was numb for most of last week and didn't care to try to feel or care or love or obey anymore. My facade of apathy was nearing completion and I was about ready to give up on the rest of summer.

And God was Faithful.

This is where the pen runs out of paper for now. I have only just started the journey out of this hole I made. I listened for God for the first time in weeks last Friday. I made new friends for the first time in weeks this Sunday. I read my bible for the first time in a week today. So I don't know what comes next. Not much has really changed yet. But there's a light of hope over everything now. The scenery hasn't changed, but I'm seeing it with new eyes. Thank You God for new eyes.

Why the Good Guy Always Wins

I spent this last week in beautiful Bellingham, Washington attending the Northwest Student Institute of Campus Ministry. SICM (as it is affectionately known) is a week of intensive leadership training and practice that focuses on developing student leaders for campus ministry, specifically through Chi Alpha. This was my second time through SICM and it was at least as valuable this time around as it was last time. Though there is plenty to tell about SICM, that is not the intent of this post. In fact, the only reason I mention it is to say that there was a book table at SICM from which I purchased C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. This is the first Lewis that I have read, though I have been made familiar with several of his other works through enthusiastic friends and acquaintances and the occasional fanatical stranger in a bookstore (which is my favorite kind of bookstore stranger, by the way :). I am not very far (would the appositive to that be "short" or "near"?) into the book and I have come across an idea that I would like to muse on. Conveniently, I have this little blog here for things just like that.

Before I begin my musing, a quick note regarding my "Bible in 90 Days" plan. Once more, my ambitions have exceeded my abilities. I will still be reading straight through the Bible and blogging about each book as I finish it, but these posts will be fewer and further between than they were before due to my less expendable schedule during my internship. This is a humbling admission for me, but it is also reminiscent to the origins of this blog, so that is a source of hope that good will still come out of this. Now, to the point.

I would like to open the eyes of my readers to a particular pattern that I have noticed in most every story that I have ever been told through any medium. In the breadth of my experience, my thematic analysis of stories has revealed a pattern that has carried on throughout time and across cultures and throughout civilizations: the good guy always wins. No matter the impression of insurmountable odds or the numerous defeats along the way, the character in a story representing the moral Good will almost assuredly prevail. I say "almost" here because there is the occasional author who desires to tell a tale that goes against the grain and will therefore have the moral Good be defeated for the sake of expressing individuality and uniqueness. My point remains no less.

Pseudo-intellectualism aside, I've always wondered why the good guy had to win. It seems obvious that the protagonist should prevail, that's why he is the protagonist. But why should the protagonist have to stand for things like love and truth and honesty and Good? Surely the hero must stand for something, otherwise he would be seeking a means to an end and there would be little to admire in him. And I think that's why he must stand for moral Good. Evil is nothing to stand for. Not because it is frowned upon, but because it has no ground of its own. Good can be done simply for the sake of good. I might tell the truth even though if it would certainly get me in more trouble than lying because telling the truth is right. But I would never lie if it would get me in more trouble than telling the truth (except, maybe, because of a lack of foresight, but not knowingly). I would only lie if I thought that there were some benefit to lying that would make it profitable over telling the truth. So Good is something to stand for, it has some grounds to it where is might even be sacrificed for. Meanwhile, Bad is simply a means to an end. This is reflected in every story we as humans have developed. Even in the stories where the bad guy wins, he is still seeking some end (power, money, safety, love, etc.) through means that are morally Bad. This explains why the good guy wins and why the winner must stand for Good (maybe those are the same point). As the good guy, he stands for something larger, perhaps eternal. The bad guy, however, is a simple utilitarian. He stands for nothing; he simply seeks something. One character that seems to challenge this assertion is the Joker from the Batman series. The Joker appears to exist for the sake of Bad. The bad things he does are not means to a certain end, but rather are an expression of his desire for Evil. So here we have a villain who stands for something, an antagonist we might cheer for. But when we truly examine the character of the Joker, we discover that Evil is simply his pleasure of choice. From destruction and pain he gets the same sort of feelings that most of us get from creativity and love. So even for the Joker and real people like him who we might call psychopathic maniacal sadists (those are real terms with real meanings, not just empty derogatory language), Evil is a means to an end. One might argue that there could hypothetically be some individual who genuinely stood for evil. Given an adequate description of this supposed individual (which is something that I have never encountered), I may agree that one could, hypothetically stand for Evil on its own (again, I have never encountered such a description nor heard of its existence). The problem with this is that the point would be entirely hypothetical. This individual does not exist. No matter the hypothetical evidence, we would not be dealing with reality. Accepting this hypothetical description as truth would require the acceptance of a false reality. But there are real people who really do stand for Good on its own, even when it is to their personal detriment.

The point of all this? I'm not sure. It's mostly just an exploration of human story telling. It does appear to reveal that Good is an inherently greater force than Evil, but that doesn't feel like a very profound or mysterious discovery. I would love to hear any feedback or thoughts you might be having on the issue, as it is easy to assume that what I've written is complete and correct simply because I wrote it. Also, I kind of just like conversation, it's a great garden for ideas and perspective :)

Deuteronomy

This book is like winding a spring. Moses' first address of the Israelites in Deuteronomy reviews their time from Egypt to present and begins to wind the spring up. His second address reviews and renews God's laws, bringing the spring in even tighter. Moses' third speech is the unloading of the spring. His farewell address launches Israel into their future in the land that has been promised to them.

Within that big picture are a few details that need highlighting. Moses tells us that God did not choose us because of our strength (7:7). This verse releases two big nasty Truths to romp about through the mental facade of reality that we have so carefully created, leaving our pretty little boxes and compartments decimated. First, God chooses us. No matter how unfair it may seem or how unworthy we feel, it is clear here (and elsewhere) that God does the choosing. Whenever I really commit myself to thinking about this, I can't make any sense of how God's choosing is Just. It seems that one of the foundational principles of His relationship with us is our free-will, but His choosing us seems to be a plain contradiction of that. Maybe He chooses us based on something we choose. So if I choose to obey then He will choose to bless, or something like that. I really don't know. Like I said, decimated.

The second big nasty Truth monster is that God doesn't want us because of what we can do. However the whole Him choosing us thing works, it's not based on our own strengths or abilities. Moses tells Israel that God "...chose you, not because you were more numerous than all peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples." (7:7 HCSB). God doesn't seem worried about what Israel is able to do for Him. He chose the nation that was "...the fewest of all peoples." We see this Truth again if we peek ahead to Psalm 50:12-15 where God says "If I were hungry, I would not tell you, for the world and everything in it is Mine." (Psalm 50:12 HCSB). God doesn't come to us looking for us to take care of Him. We have not been chosen because of our ability to provide for God. In Psalm 50:14-15 we see the reason for our calling: "Sacrifice a thank offering to God, and pay your vows to the Most High. Call on Me in a day of trouble; I will rescue you, and you will honor Me." Pretty cool stuff.

I also thought that Moses' farewell speech in chapter 30 was worth taking an extra look into. It's an amazing benediction and sets the bar pretty high for all farewell speeches ever if you ask me. You should look into it.

Numbers

I had a big, long, smart sounding post written up for this.

But I can't bring myself to post all that because, honestly, it's really prideful and intentionally complex just to make me seem more wise or in tune with God or something.

The brutal truth is that I'm falling behind in my reading. I'm having a hard time catching back up and the more I force myself to read the more I feel like I'm only reading because I have to.

I did finish reading the book of Numbers today and the parts that I didn't skim over or sulk through were actually pretty interesting. I think it's mostly about God's Faithfulness in preparing and purifying His people.

It takes an interesting and confusing side trip into the life of Balaam and I don't really understand much of what goes on there. Why was God mad at Balaam for going with the officials when He had just told him to go with the officials? Did he do it wrong? Was he not supposed to bring his donkey or his two servants? Had Balaam said something that God didn't tell him to say? Nothing seems to change after God chastises Balaam; he just continues to go with the officials. So what was wrong?

I don't have any answers.

I also don't know how to end this post. It is something of an anomaly for me. I think it's a part of God wanting me to simplify my life. I make things complicated when they aren't and I don't know why. Maybe I have some internal desire for conflict or complexity so I can't accept things that are simple.

I'm really just confused right now. Sorry if this is awkward or disappointing or something negative like that.

I'm gonna go be quiet for a while.

Thanks for putting up with me :)

-Nik.

Leviticus

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Wordle, I used the entire text of Leviticus to create the above word cloud in which larger words appear in the text more often and smaller words less often. This tool is often used to determine the main focus of a text (Biblical or not). Here you can see that the main focus of Leviticus(according to Wordle) is the LORD with our offering coming in second. Now allow me to offer a word cloud of the things I have heard about Leviticus in the past year:

I suppose it goes without saying that Leviticus doesn't receive a very accurate representation these days. You'll notice that the word "homosexual" does not appear in any form in the cloud of the actual text of Leviticus. So why do we focus so heavily on this "theme" of the text (that is, if two mentions can be called a "theme")? Christians like to try to be relevant. This search for relevance will need to be the topic of another blog post some other day, but for now, suffice it to say that we're doing it wrong. We should approach scripture with an open mind, reading it for what it says instead of coming in looking for an answer and cherry-picking that answer out of context. So before you open your Bible to Leviticus to tell your Atheist friend what God says about gays, try reading the whole book first, it's actually not that long. You'll probably find some cool stuff in there that you didn't realize before. For example:

There are two themes that readily stand out in Leviticus. The first is God's Holiness. God tells Moses that His laws are set in place so that the Israelites can be holy, which is desirable because God is Holy. Over and over again God reminds His people of His Holiness and of the fact that He is making them holy through His Law. I grew up thinking that holy meant perfect. A holy person was perfect and they knew it. And they knew that you weren't. It wasn't until recently that I learned that holy just means set apart and it usually implies a purpose. So when God tells the Israelites that He is making them holy, He is telling them that He is setting them apart with a purpose. They are seeking after something different than the people around them. And while their goals are arguably better than those of the people around them, this holiness doesn't mean that the Israelites are themselves better than anyone else. Neither are we.

The second theme that stands out to me in Leviticus is redemption. This theme is a little less obvious than the last one. While holiness is an overarching theme throughout the entire book, redemption is really only focused on in one chapter (25). Without going into too much detail (you really should read it for yourself), the concept of redemption in Leviticus refers to buying something back. For one example, if a man sold another man his home, he could "redeem" it (buy it back) within a year for the full price plus one fifth if he wanted/needed to move back. This historical understanding of redemption serves to enhance our understanding of Christ's work on the cross. We were God's, but our sin separated us from Him. So He came to Earth and died to pay the redemption cost for us. He wanted us back, so He payed for all the sin that separated us from Him (plus one fifth? ;). While that nicely summed up in just a few sentences, this is perhaps one of the most profound events in our history, and shoud be pondered and reflected upon as such.

All this without mention of the Year of Jubilee, skin diseases, sacrificial offerings, or holy festivals. Each of these (except maybe skin diseases) could be their own blog entry!

Exodus

Moses' life was completely transformed by his encounters with God. When he first met with God, Moses was nearly faithless. God told him he would lead and speak but Moses didn't believe he could do it. Even through the plagues, Moses was still at the whims of the Israelites. When they complained to him, he complained to God. When they feared death, he feared death. But somewhere during that process we see Moses transformed to the point where in Chapter 14 he can respond to the people's cry of fear with courage.

(10)As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw the Egyptians coming after them. Then the Israelites were terrified and cried out to the LORD for help. (11)They said to Moses: "Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you took us to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? (12)Isn't this what we told you in Egypt: Leave us alone so that we may serve the Egyptians? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness." (13)But Moses said to the people, "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and see the LORD's salvation He will provide for you today; for the Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. (14)The LORD will fight for you; you must be quiet." (14:10-14 HCSB)

Through the rest of the book, God is raising up His people in His ways. He provides for them (16-17:7) and protects them (17:8-15) and teaches them how to be His people (18:17-23, 20:1-17, 21-23, and others). God also shows the power of His Presence, the wonder of His Holiness, and the fullness of His Glory (19:16-19, 20:18-21, and 33:18-34:35). And among all of this, He builds an intimate relationship with Moses. Moses was able to talk with God "just as a man speaks with his friend" (33:11 HCSB).

It's easy to look at the teaching and the friendship as separate events. Over here, we have the god of the commandments and the law and the statutes. Then, separately, somewhere else, we have the god of relationship and mercy and grace. But we don't have a god. We have God and He has us. He is Loving and Just. He is Jealous and Merciful, Powerful and Graceful. And He is all of these in One (and Three) at once. This is confusing. It makes sense that the world goes crazy when He shows up (19:16-19), He is a lot of Presence to deal with. He is so unlike anything we have ever known or can ever imagine that seeing His face would kill us (33:20). What does that even mean? Seeing God's face? We talk about it a lot. Every so often someone will encourage me or someone around me to "seek God's face." Is that a death wish? What do we expect to find in seeking God's face? I don't think God ever encourages people to seek His face (if I'm wrong, this reading plan will show me that soon enough). Maybe, instead, we should seek His friendship/law (I think we can call that "covenant relationship"). That's what Moses did. He was guided in covenant relationship with God. He was given laws and commandments and friendship time with God and through all of this, Moses' life was completely transformed. In reading through Exodus, that is what I see. I see a people being transformed; being brought out of an old life and into a new life through covenant relationship with YHWH, the One Who Is.

Genesis

I've started a reading plan that takes you through the entire Bible in just 90 days. Initially, this was a really intimidating task, but just a few days in to it and it seems much more achievable. I plan to journal on my reading after every book and I will share some of that journal here for your reading pleasure. These posts should come every few days, so I likely won't have much else to post during this time.

So here it is, the beginning:

These are the stories of men who walked closely with God. Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph all had deep relationships with God that determined the course of their lives. They were all distincly human as well. Each of these men had trouble living out their devotion to God and often gave in to the pressures of others, of fear, of pride. Abraham feared the Philistines and lied that Sarah was his sister. Isaac did the same with Rebekah. Jacob deceived Esau, obsessed over Rachel and deceived Laban. Joseph hid his identity from his brothers and treated them unjustly. But these actions are clearly not the things that defined these men. Abraham followed God's guidance all over the region. He received his blessing from God in Isaac, but he was willing to sacrifice Isaac for the Lord. Isaac loved his family and followed God's guidance. Jacob followed God's guidance, settled disputes justly, and blessed his sons. Joseph suffered greatly at the hands of others but stayed close to God all along, even responding to them with love. He served the Lord greatly in Egypt and God used him to provide for the world during the famine.

In this book, I see what it is like to be a man of God. I see myself in Abraham. I see myself in Isaac. I see myself in Jacob and in Joseph. Their stories are mine as well. I see my brokenness beside His providence and my antagonistic will beside His perfect will. No matter how many times I am unfaithful to God, He always remains faithful to me. Even from this beginning, God's same Truth has remained. He does not require perfection of me, He only wants devotion. So I must remain devoted to Him. I will be His people and He will be my God.

Oh Bonhoeffer...

So I'm reading this book called Life Together by an amazing disciple of Christ, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. If you have not heard Bonhoeffer's life story, you should check it out. Despite his apparent relaxed and bespectacled nature* in the photo above, Bonhoeffer's writing is some of the most challenging I have found. It challenges me to to act differently, yes, but it also challenges me at the core of how I think about God. As an example, in the chapter I am currently reading (and I mean currently; the book is open mid-chapter next to me as I type this) about the essential parts of fellowship, Bonhoeffer writes of the reading of scripture:

"[During consecutive reading of Biblical books] A complete reversal occurs. It is not in our life that God's help and presence must still be proved, but rather God's presence and help have been demonstrated for us in the life of Jesus Christ. It is in fact more important for us to know what God did to Israel, to His Son Jesus Christ, than to seek what God intends for us today. The fact that Jesus Christ died is more important than the fact that I shall die, and the fact that Jesus Christ rose from the dead is the sole ground of my hope that I, too, shall be raised on the Last Day. Our salvation is 'external to ourselves.' I find no salvation in my own life history, but only in the history of Jesus Christ. Only he who allows himself to be found in Jesus Christ, in his incarnation, his Cross, and his resurrection, is with God and God with him. " (54)

Earlier in the chapter, he challenges our appetite for small amounts of detail-focused scripture.

"When the practice [of reading a chapter of the Old Testament and at least half a chapter of the New Testament every morning and evening] is first tried, of course, most people will find even this modest measure too much and will offer resistance. It will be objected that it is impossible to take in and retain such an abundance of ideas and associations, that it even shows disrespect to God's Word to read more than one can seriously assimilate. These objections will cause us quite readily to content ourselves again with reading only verses.

...

"Not only the young Christian but also the adult Christian will complain that the Scripture reading is often too long for him and that much therein he does not understand. To this it must be said that for the mature Christian every Scripture reading will be 'too long,' even the shortest one. What does this mean? The Scripture is a whole and every word, every sentence possesses such multiple relationships with the whole that it is impossible always to keep the whole in view when listening to details. It becomes apparent, therefore, that the whole of Scriptures and hence every passage in it as well far surpasses our understanding. It is good for us to be daily reminded of this fact, which again points to Jesus Christ himself, 'in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge' (Col, 2:3). So perhaps one may say that every Scripture reading always has to be somewhat 'too long,' because it is not merely proverbial and practical wisdom but God's revealing Word in Jesus Christ." (51-53)

I guess I haven't really processed this stuff enough to be able to offer any sort of humble wisdom here, but I just thought I should share those quotes. Let them challenge the way you read scripture and the way you think about God and how He reveals His Truth to us. I'm gonna go let my brain stop hurting for a bit.

*I used "bespectacled" just because I think it's a fun word. That is all.

What is it good for?

News is reporting that Osama Bin Laden has been killed tonight. I'm sitting in my bed listening to coverage online and waiting for President Obama to address the nation on the matter. My mind wanders as the news anchors tell us again and again that we will forever remember where we were when we heard this news. Does this make anything okay? How is this good news? Why is an entire country willing to celebrate the death of one man?

I realize the evils that Bin Laden has been responsible for. I understand that he founded the organization that executed the attacks that killed nearly 3,000 people in the US. I am not trying to glorify this man or condone any of his infamous actions. What he has done is horrific and disgusting and truly evil. But I believe in a God that redeems. I believe in a God that came to Earth and died a horrific death on a cross so that we would not have to die for our own evil and so that we can live with Him in heaven and sent His Spirit to live with us here on Earth. This God is bigger than all of our sins. He has Grace and Love for every single person that has ever lived. I can't understand the scope of this Love, how it works with us through all things and constantly draws us back to God.

At this point, I don't have a lot of answers to my own questions, but I refuse to celebrate death. It is bold, to put it kindly, to claim that justice has been served in the killing of an individual. I guess one of the largest underlying questions I have is would God kill for justice? I know that this same Loving and Graceful God is Just and I have read of His Wrath being manifested among people on Earth in the bible. Based on some of this reading, it appears that God does enact Justice through killing. This is another thing about God that I can't understand. Apparently He can work big things out even through killing. But it is still a brash statement to invoke this Justice on our own actions. Again, I have no solid answers here, this is just my thinking and it is subject to change without notice. I would love to hear your thoughts on this matter as well.

From a more practical standpoint, it seems naive to assume that this will make anything better. We have known for some time that Bin Laden has not been heavily involved in the leadership of Al-Qaeda or the Taliban for the past few years. His death will only stir more violence. I'm glad to see the increase in national security, and I will pray for our troops during this chaotic time. It's important to remember that Bin Laden's death will not bring back any of the people whose death he was responsible for.

I guess that's all I've got for now. It will be interesting to see how things continue to unfold.

The Least of These

I avoid You in the hallway,

And I'm sorry.

I ignore You in the lunch room,

And I'm sorry.

I walk by You on my way to class,

And I'm sorry.

I pray for myself and my friends instead of You.

I am sorry.

I'm a sorry excuse for a Christian,

And You Love me.

I'm the ugly side of the Church,

And You Love me.

I profane Your Name with my apathy,

And You Love me.

I have to repent more than once.

You still Love me.

Your Love is boundless and infinite,

Yet I judge.

You came and died for all of us,

Yet I judge.

You healed the sick and the weak,

Who I judge.

You are my only source of redemption,

Yet I judge.

I judge them for my own sins,

Then I preach You.

I give in to temptation,

Then I preach You.

I allow circumstances to control me,

Then I preach You.

I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I ought to do,

Then I preach You.

I will continue to preach You with my life,

To the least of these.

It won't ever be a full picture, but I'll paint it anyways,

For the least of these.

I will weep for, and work for, and sob for, and serve

The least of these.

Because You Love each of them as much as You Love me and some of them don't know it yet but You want to bring healing

To the least of these.

Stopping By

I've been caught up in Your work and my ways.

Listlessly I've been lingering through these days.

But lazy and lawless isn't the life You have for me to live.

Show me my all since it's all I have to give.

Show me Your all since it's the only way I can live.

You know I'm sorry for my fighting fear and faithlessness

And I know You are Faithful with Your Forgiveness.

But I can't forget the times I failed to follow through

And each of those times felt more like I was failing You.

Take what is broken and make it new.

Joy and Love and Fluffy Stuff

The thorns and the weeds have had their day.

They've molded and shaped this plant that now grows away.

While their absence may be brief and incomplete,

These days will see the plant finding it's feet.

No longer bound by weight and pain,

Flowers and leaves emerge again.

A simple tune rings pure and true;

A melody of old becoming new.

Most the world has missed the turn,

But behind the dreary overcast, the sun still burns.

Amidst the grasp of frost and death and doom

There is growing now a passionate bloom.

It grows with a legendary zeal.

Winter scars and disfigurations heal

With a mind rooted in the lessons gone by

And an ambitious heart for the hope of the sky.

It rises, not alone, but among strengthened neighbors,

A garden of communal prosperity and favor.

And as it rises it searches for another,

Not follower or friend or guide, but lover.

But this search cannot impede the swell,

It must remain by Grace impelled.

For while pursuit remains noble enough,

It was not pursuit that brought them out of the dust.

Enthusiasm and passion pour out from within

The blaze of destruction outside now matched by the Joy in it's skin.

To it's ears the silence of the grave sounds singing,

It is now, for the time, being.

**Photo adapted from Gungor's "Beautiful Things" album cover.

Dust

I'm out of it in this trough

when are You gonna show up and save the day?

when are You gonna show up and take me away?

when are You gonna condemn me for what I say?

how long do I have to not feel this way?

Show up! would You?

Cuz I can't tell You how much I miss Your presence.

And I hate when I hate when I need to love

and I want to say it's because I can't feel You

but You tell me that it's something inside of me

and i can't take it when You say that

because apathy is an old rival who knows me too well.

So now what?

I toss another pebble out into the lake and watch the ripples come racing back to us on the shore. You sit there breathing in the silence, listening. I tell you I feel like I'm stuck in the ditch, spinning out before it even gets to the axel. You tell me it's spelled axle.

"What do we do when we're stuck in a rut?"

"I don't know, I was hoping You would tell me."

"We get out and walk. We go back to basics. The fancy stuff isn't working anymore, so we take a step back and carry on. I know you've got this walking thing down, but there's a reason for that. C'mon, let's go."

We climb out and start walking, and a tear runs down my cheek again.

Bread of Life

I'm so stoked to get to heaven and not be hungry or thirsty again. Seriously, think about that. Never having to sit there wondering if you want another Oreo or if you'd rather have chips or if you're actually thirsty and you just can't tell. Being satisfied for all of all time; what an insane idea! But here's what Jesus assures us:

"I am the bread of life," Jesus told them. "No one who comes to Me will ever be hungry, and no one who believes in Me will ever be thirsty again. But as I told you, you've seen Me, and yet you do not believe." John 6:35-36 HCSB

and:

Jesus answered, "If you knew the gift of God, and who is saying to you, 'Give Me a drink,' you would ask Him, and He would give you living water."

"Sir," said the woman, "You don't even have a bucket, and the well is deep. So where do You get this 'living water'? You aren't greater than our father Jacob, are You? He gave us this well and drank from it himself, as did his sons and livestock."

Jesus said, "Everyone who drinks from this water will get thirsty again. But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again -- ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life." John 4:10-14 HCSB

Seriously, it's gonna be awesome. And it will have nothing to do with our stomachs. :)

We Are The Moon

The following poem was born in a rather unique way. On the night leading in to my 20th birthday, I spent my last half hour as a teenager laying under the stars having a brutally honest conversation with God. I told Him that I wanted to start really, truly living for Him this year. I was sorry for the fact that I hadn't yet, and I knew that I couldn't go on without Him completely consuming my life. I wanted this year to be "the one that started it all." And if I wasn't living that way, I didn't want to live. I lay before God vulnerably and honestly asked Him to remove me from this earth if I wasn't living in His will. Seeing that I was still alive in the flesh (or is that dead?) I spoke the following poem starting at 12:01 am on Thursday, September 23, 2010. I knew only the first four words to this poem when I set out; speaking them to my roommate who was laying next to me. As I continued to speak, the Spirit told a story through me. I wrote it down as I remembered it in class later that day and I think I'm ready to share it now.

We Are The Moon

We are the moon.

We are a rock like all the rest, nothing special.

We have our craters and blemishes and dark spots.

We have no light of our own.

But we have been separated and given a reflective soul.

We are the moon.

And in the morning the Sun watched over us.

It protected us, guided us.

And then the Sun rose among us.

It spread its light everywhere.

It lit up the sky and the earth.

But its light shone into uncomfortable places,

so we tore it down.

We are the moon.

And the Sun has set and it is our time to shine.

We have become a beacon in the darkness.

We are the moon.

And we are always chasing the Sun.

We will never catch it, bet we keep chasing,

Hoping to put ourselves in position to reflect it fully,

So that when the Sun comes back

We will have helped as many as possible to join us

When we land among the stars.

We are the moon.

And He is the Sun.

Life as I Know It.

I'm past the end of my rope, and past caring

My own will gave out long ago and now there's no hope of sharing.

I can't continue to go on like this.

I know confession will only make things better,

but I'm having trouble speaking out, so here, I'll write this letter.

I hate the way I tell myself my life is gonna change.

And how at the end of every week I see that everything's the same.

I hate the way we tell each other that we won't live this way any more.

I hate the way I yell at You then preach Your truth at core.

I hate the way I see your dirt and judge you and condemn

instead of loving and caring for humanity and offering a helping hand.

I hate the way I listen to your lies about my God.

I hate that every time it happens, you prove yourself a fraud.

I hate that I keep coming back and losing the same war

after I already told myself not to go there anymore.

I hate the way I can't express how much you mean to me.

I hate the way You hold the door closed so I can't see.

I want to break the door down and see what lies ahead.

I want to get up and have a quiet time instead of lying in bed.

I want you to understand how today decides tomorrow.

I want you to see my love for you intsead of all my sorrow.

I want to find the way to live in harmony where I'm at.

I want to show you how He loves and not judge you because of your hat.

I wish I could be filled with wisdom, knowledge and answers.

I wish I knew how to really comfort you about your friend who died from cancer.

I wish we could really talk instead of being all awkward.

I wish I had a better vision or goal for you to walk toward.

I wish You'd come down and fix all of our problems

Or maybe just give me the answers so I can solve them.

I like the way you open up and talk about real things.

I like the way the Spirit shows through you when you sing.

I like the way you chase your other squirrel friends around the tree.

I like the way you text me when there's a good sunset to see.

I love the way you talk about past lives and past brothers.

I love the way you are supportive and encouraging to others.

I love the way You find me here in the pit of my despair

And bring me back to the surface for another breath of air.

I love the way the sun shines brighter when I see you smile

And how my burden gets lighter after we talk for a while.

I love the way you let me see you struggle with your faith.

I love the way you hug me man, and how your laughter fills a place.

I love the way you mentor me and teach me where I'm at.

I love the way you're curious and have whiskers "like a cat!"

I love the look on your face when you listen to what I'm saying.

I love the way you cross yourself when you are praying.

I love the way You work things together for our good

and I love the way You love me when I don't think you should.

This Post Has Two Parts, So Does This Title.

Part 1: A Year in Review

I've been putting off writing this blog post for a while. Not necessarily postponing this content, just this post, chronologically. It is my first post in this new year of 2011. As many of you are aware (indeed, any of you who read the intro stuff at the top of this page), my initial plan for this blog was to contain all of my poetry for one year. That year was 2010. Again, it is now 2011. This has left me with quite the dilemma. I began to write this first blog post before the new year came around, but was unable to finish it. The beginning I had read as follows:

"I was startled to find out this morning that it was the last one of 2010. What strikes me the most about this is that my one-year poem-writing commitment is now up.

Exactly a year ago today I started to dream up this crazy idea of writing poetry every day. I remember wondering what 365 poems would look like. Wondering how many notebooks that would take. Estimating that it would take five and 15 pages of a sixth based on standard notebook size of 70 pages. I wondered what I would be writing about in one year. I wondered what kind of story would be chronicled in my writing. What would there be to learn from this project? What would I have to look back on? When this year was over, who would I be?
I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make a habit. There are roughly 17 of these 21 day periods in a year. That's 17 new habits. 17 new things that have become so routine that they require less thought. 17 new parts of daily life. If each of these took an hour of the day, that would be 70% of each day devoted to something new. So, you see, a lot can change in a year.
This morning, as I reviewed my writings from the past year, I saw much change and development of thought. I also noticed that I had only 41 of my proposed 365 entries (this post makes 42). 42/365. That is a terrible grade. 11.5%. An absolute failure. This is the grade of the kid in high school who you never knew was in your math class. This is the grade of someone who isn't even trying. It is the approximate grade of the steepest segment of the Cass Scenic Railway. My point is, by my initial standards and expectations, this year was terrible.."

Perhaps it was this realization of abject failure that drove me away from writing this post. Perhaps. But when I again review my 41 posts from the past year, my general assessment is not one of failure. I cannot honestly look through those writings and be even disappointed, let alone feel like a total failure. God clearly had His own plan in mind when He set me out on this journey. Being able to see the growth in my writing, the emotional development of my words, the evolution of my writing style, and the often twisted path that my soul traveled along over the past year is a gift beyond belief. And I do not believe that this gift was intended to stop giving after one year. In light of that belief, I give You... the first post of 2011.

Part 2: Jesus on my neck-uh-liss-iss-izz

Last weekend was XA Winter Camp. It was fantastic. It would be rather taxing for me to try and put in to words the Joy I experienced over these few short days. For all who were there, even the ones that I have still not been graced to meet, I thank you for contributing enormously to my experience with Christ this weekend. It was fantastic and so are you.

A chief concern coming out of a Winter Camp type of experience is how to capture fully the lessons that were learned during that time. I regret to inform you that I cannot do this. The level at which the Spirit moved in me this weekend is one that I do not yet comprehend. I could feel God moving large things around inside me. These things had not been moved in a long time, perhaps ever. They were heavy and dusty. They left an indent behind when they were moved. The floor beneath them shuddered and creaked as they were slid along. I could feel the vibrations. I don't know what these things were/are. I don't know which of those verbs to use; "were" or "are". But I know that this movement, this reordering and redesigning, had profound impacts on my external being. I have prayed with my heart ripped open on the floor before God. I have approached the Throne shouting, sobbing, screaming, and singing.

I have been known.

And a few things have been made known to me, one of which I feel ready to share via this medium. But before I do that, I must apologize for the Ke$ha reference that is the title of this Part 2. I'm also sorry for furthering everyone's confusion on how one pronounces the "$" symbol when it is used in a name. I'm still largely undecided on this key cultural issue, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are getting it wrong. That said, I believe the Spirit has something more important for me to share (I guess "more important" doesn't really say much in this case, but hey...).

One of the more interesting parts of what I am about to share is how I managed to come about it. Suffice it to say that Facebook can indeed be a tool of ministry and spiritual growth. I know, I didn't believe it at first either. While composing a response in this Facebook exchange on the intricacies of Christian art, I was cornered by the Spirit on the concept of "neutral" actions. These are the things that we think have no influence on our spiritual lives. You know, that thing you like to do when you've got free time. Or that show you watch just for the comedic escapism that it offers. Or that music you listen to because it's "clean." Or those books you read so you can get away from reality and pretend for just a little bit on weekends that you are living the life of someone else; that you aren't really the person who God created you to be. These are some of the actions that Christians often deem as "neutral." Indeed, these things generally are not inherently sinful. One of my major "neutral" actions is videogames. I like to play videogames. I have stayed up to date with the latest Call of Duty, Halo, and Assassin's Creed games for a few years now. I also have a GameBoy Color emulator on my cell phone that I like to play Pokemon Yellow on. I don't believe that playing any of these games is inherently sinful. Maybe you would disagree. Finish reading this post and if you still disagree, let me know, I love discourse :) While I don't view playing games as inherently sinful, I also don't see room for glorifying God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength when I do this. When I look at Jesus' message in the gospels, and Paul's message in the epistles, and the Old Covenant of the Old Testament, I do not see any room for a faith with such "neutral" distractions. Jesus tells us to sell all we have and follow Him. Paul tells us to set our very thoughts on whatever is pure, and noble, and good. The Old Covenant has us lay every part of our lives before Him, and make sacrifices to atone for the parts that are displeasing.

Since camp, I have felt called (and I do not believe it to be a unique or individual calling) to chase after God with the same passion that I have been directing to videogames for years. I want to make Christian living that thing I like to do with my spare time. I want reading scripture to be my pastime. When my mind wanders, I want it to wander about God's character. I want my stray thoughts to be about His face. I want to have to snap myself out of thinking about His desire to love the people around me so that I don't miss that "clearly more important" thing in lecture. Don't misunderstand me. I do not wish to sideline my faith. I am not trying to trivialize Christ and His sacrifice. Rather, I am trying to realize these things. I desire to make them so true to myself that they replace the things that seem to constantly consume me. In the words of one David Crowder, "I'm so bored of little gods / while standing on the edge of something large / while standing here so close to You / we could be consumed." In short, I want Jesus to be my Savior, my Lord, and my hobby.