Paper Planes

I got lost on my way here. Neither I nor my browser could remember the way. But here I am, dusting off creaky keys and polishing up my vocabulary.

Actually, no.

I'm just gonna sit in the dust for a little while.

My life has been incredibly average this summer. I worked 40's, did very little traveling, did very little reflecting. My sister got married in May. It was the most beautiful weekend. I returned to Omak for the first time since my parents moved down to the Tri-Cities. I didn't get to see most of the people I wanted to, but I got to spend time with some people that mean a lot to me. I spent most of my time in Pullman with my co-workers. We often went beyond the mandatory 40 hours a week that we were required to spend together in order to hang out more. They are fantastic people and I hope I can treat them as excellently as they deserve. Tomorrow I set out on a roadtrip to end my summer. It will include a wedding, camping, and a rodeo at least.

But tonight, I sit in the dust. I unroll the map and look at where I've been.

And I think I'm done trying. I've spent so much energy over so many years trying. Trying to impress people. Trying to impress myself. Trying to impress God. Trying to look like someone who matters. Trying to look like someone who doesn't matter. Trying to look like someone who doesn't care whether he matters or not but who really cares about looking like he doesn't care.

Esse quam videri. To be, rather than to appear. I'm done appearing. I'm done trying to look like or be or feel anything. I'm ready to be. I'm ready to feel.

This summer, I've learned to be and to feel. I've learned that real life can be boring. I've learned that even my most intricate webs of lies still fall apart eventually. There's no sense in building them back up. It's better to just leave them lying there in the dust.

PAPER PLANES

He stands up and carefully steps towards the door, map in hand, and then out of the dusty room. The door creaks shut slowly, pauses with just a sliver of light still coming in, and then closes gently. 

CUT TO:

His hands brushing dust off of pants. He picks up the map and walks down the blank hall, folding the map as he goes. The walls are painted navy blue and completely unadorned. There are no windows and no other doors or walkways. At the end of the hall nearest the ext. door, he sets the now folded map down on an end table that is painted to look like mahogany. The map is folded into a paper airplane. HOLD ON folded map. CLOSE ON view from outside of hands pushing on the bar of glass ext. door and body leaning forward as ext. door opens.

THE END

My Lady, Africa.

Occasionally a loose glance still captures my heart. I used to be so ready to dedicate everything to her. After our last encounter, there was no question in my head or heart that I wanted to spend my life with her. I couldn't shake the thought of the beauty of our life together. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it has only made my heart grow absent. It's not that I didn't still dream of her or want to spend time with her, rather, I simply didn't want. Anything. At all. I'm sure that's not entirely true, but the bored man and the starving man have different appetites and my apathy doesn't build an appetite for truth. Truth is, I probably don't love her the way I used to. Maybe I'm coming out of my own personal honeymoon phase and need love harder, but maybe I'm just really done. Maybe she was just there to remind me how to dream.

But I got a text from her the other day and it turned my world around again. And everytime someone reminds me to dream I think of her and everytime something reminds me of her I start to dream. I can't separate the two in my head. Maybe beyond the Apathetic Ocean, across the great River Self-Denial, there is some fountain of youth or city of gold or promised land, but I haven't found it yet and my humble vessel isn't fit to fare those waters. You reassure me and tell me to set sail and I realize that I've never really sailed before. Sure I've practiced in the harbor a few times, but always in sight of others and never further than I could swim. So really, you're asking too much of me and too much of my boat. Neither of us are fit for the journey you have mapped out, and I can't even read the map. Even if we found the way, all the other promised lands I've found have dried up shortly after my arrival. I can't let that happen this time. I can't watch her die on me.

"So you'll just drown her in your own apathy?"

The Fall

Dad was a wood carver. When we were young, he would take us to his shop in the woods we called our back yard and show us how to carve. His hand would rest powerfully over mine and guide the blade to create lines, forms, shapes, figures. I made a game out of trying to guess what these lines and shapes would come together to create. As I grew up, I got better at the game and gradually I developed some of my own skill with the blade. My creations were never quite on par with Dad's, but he told me they were good and encouraged me to keep trying. Every once in a while the blade would slip and I would ruin the carving. Dad would always take those ruined pieces from me and encourage me to keep trying. I drew blood a few times too. I remember the moments of shock, paralyzed at the sight of the loose skin and blood rising and eventually running down my hand. I felt completely isolated in those moments, Dad could not have been further away. But he always showed up at my side in time to stop the bleeding and bandage me back up. I took a break from carving after these incidents, but when I came back, Dad would be happy to see me and encourage me to keep trying.

During an exceptionally hard winter, Dad sent me and my older brother to Mr. Nelson's store to get some bread for the family. It was a long trek in the snow, but Dad had bundled us up and I had just begun to feel the sting of the cold when the store came into sight through the fog and snow. I removed my hood, beanie, scarf, and gloves when we got inside, but my brother did not. He told me to go get the bread and he would meet me back up front. The bread was in the second aisle like it had always been, across from the milk and the eggs. As I made my way up to the front, I saw my brother leaning in over the counter and Mrs. Nelson, on the other side, had a worried look on her face.

"What's wrong Mrs. Nelson?" I asked.

Without turning around, my brother yelled back "Just take the bread and go outside and wait for me!"

His voice was strained and nervous. I didn't know what to do, but Mrs. Nelson's eyes seemed to be telling me to do what I had been told. When I passed by my brother on my way out, I saw one of Dad's carving knives in his hand. It was pointed at Mrs. Nelson.

My internal shock and disbelief was matched by the numbing cold outside. For years Dad had taught us to use that knife to make useful things for the house or to make beautiful carvings. He taught us to use it as a tool to create with, but now my brother was using it as a weapon for violence. He came out of the store stuffing a small box into his jacket pocket. He caught me looking at the knife in his shaky hand and fumbled with it for a second before hiding it in his boot.

"You don't tell Dad anything! Okay? I'll tell him about the trip and you just be quiet! C'mon, we need to hurry back."

We jogged most of the way home, stumbling recklessly down the road. I was breathing hard and getting hot so I loosened my scarf, took off my hood and unzipped my coat a little. My brother kept running until we could see the house then he slowed down and told me to put all my stuff back on. I gave the bread to Dad as my brother lied. I still don't know why he did it. Dad had given us money to pay for the bread and Mrs. Nelson had always been nice to us, sometimes sneaking candy into the bag with our groceries. I sneaked into my brother's room that night and found the small box of cigarettes in his jacket pocket.

After that day, I didn't want to carve any more. I never wanted to hold a knife again. I never wanted to see a knife again. Dad tried to get me to join him in the shop but I would always make myself busy with other stuff around the house. One day he asked me to come carve with him and I stammered a little before telling him there was a book that I really wanted to read. He stood silently for a moment.

"I miss having you out in the shop, bud. Why don't you want to carve any more?"

We stared at each other for a moment and I could feel my eyes screaming silently. Fear boiled up inside me and I replied angrily.

"It just seems so dangerous! I was never very good at it and I don't want to get cut anymore! Those knives are too sharp!"

"Well you can't carve anything with a dull blade, son. You just have to learn to use the blade right. And besides, you're really good at carving. There's a spark to your work that can't be taught."

Adventures in Wonderland (Part Three)

Suddenly he knew the truth in what the rabbit said. It burrowed deep and stirred up something inside of him.

"Can you take me back? Can you take me back to the land of color? I hate it here! I have always hated this place! There is nothing here but slow rotting death. I want to feel again; I want to BE again! Please, take me back!"

"But you have duties here, milord." The deep voice startled him.

"My duties here are meaningless, Commander. There is nothing for me to accomplish here; nothing for me to live for! Please, rabbit, take me..."

But the rabbit was gone. He stood bewildered and defeated, his hopes dashed. The commander stood silently as the king walked over to where the rabbit had been and picked up a small pocketwatch that the rabbit had apparently left behind. The king stowed the pocketwatch and sullenly trudged back to the castle with the commander.

In secret, when he could, he would examine the pocketwatch. It was a curious piece, ever ticking, but with no numbers or tick marks on its face. Its hands circled aimlessly, never telling where they were going or when they might stop. It just ticked on.

He carried on secretly observing the watch for years. Never in that time did he gain anything from his observation, but it was a constant reminder of the life he now longed for. He wanted out of this kingdom and wanted to see colors again, but he had no way of leaving. He had spotted the rabbit a few times, but it always evaded him, sometimes diving into brush, somtimes under furniture, and even once out a first floor window, always disappearing before he could catch up with it or ask it that one question that burned inside him. How do I get out of this place?

Adventures in Wonderland (Part Two)

Read Part One here first:
http://papermeetspen.blogspot.com/2011/12/adventures-in-wonderland-part-one.html

His rule was not a great one, but he kept the kingdom intact. Until one day a rabbit bounded through his court. He was captivated by the creature, having seen nothing like it in all his time there. It's perfect form reminded him of another life, one far away and long forgotten.

He pursued the rabbit through the castle and beyond its walls. It led him into a deformed forest of gnarled trees with twisted trunks and bent branches. He could not follow along its graceful path through the bramble, but the rabbit stayed within sight of the road. They reached a clearing and here the rabbit stopped. It turned and asked him:

"Why do you chase me? You are the king, aren't you? Why do you chase me? What could I have that you want?"

And once again he found himself unable to answer.

"Surely you, king, can see past this black and white. You must certainly know what lies beyond. Why do you fear it so?"

"I lived there once!" His shouting reply came as a surprise to his own ears. "I lived there once and it was a land of foolishness! A childish waste of time! Always staring at the colors, making something out of nothing, it was all just pretend!"

"Have you forgotten how you came upon this kingdom, my lord? Have you forgotten..."

"Why do you call me 'my lord'? I've never seen you in my service and clearly you come from a land beyond my own! Where is it that you come from, rabbit?"

"I come from the land of color, the very land that you denounce. I come from the childish land of emotions and heartache. And so do you, oh king."

Adventures in Wonderland (Part One)

Her words stung more than the cold that had settled in over the past week. Winter had come and come fierce with claws and fangs. The cold bit at his skin and there was no snow to warm his heart. While the cold could be countered with layers, he had no armor against the things she said.

"You're just a boy!" She spat. "Just an immature boy! A boy, not a man!"

The words dug deep into a wound that had been there for years. He had never really admitted it, not even to himself, but this injury had to remain hidden. There was no fixing it, it was a terminal wound that would destroy him. And her words had stung it back into reality.

She was only joking. Pestering and sparring like they always did, but today she chose to hit hard. He would never know if she meant for it to hurt like that, but the pain made it impossible for him to fight back.

So he sank.

He sank into a fantasy where apathy was called invincibility. It was a weak facade, to be sure, not nearly enough to prevent the damage from her words, but it numbed the pain enough to where he could pretend everything was okay. So he kept pretending.

But he got lost in the fantasy. The black and white world was simple enough. It required little but took everything. The deformed creatures there seemed to be up to something when they called him "King," but they called him king and that was enough. He continued to rule there for years.

A Hipster Parable

Today is like a guy who was trying to get some work done. He sat precariously amidst the seasonal decor, gossiping housewives, over-enamored young couple, church small group members, and business men trying to keep it hip. The scent of the place had been lost on him. It's deep warm aroma used to be a welcome greeting, but, like the meaningful hug, the solid-but-not-aggressive handshake and the ironic t-shirt, it had been dulled from overuse. Abused as a drug. He wondered if it was there or not anymore.

Between pounding, grinding, and shouting, seasonal tunes play that, to him, are hidden behind The Great Wall of Headphones. Impenetrable as it seems, even its full-force sonic barrier is not going to bring the peace he came here looking for.

Sabbath

Perhaps it's the gentle balance of heart-warming vantages and the bone-chilling breeze
or the lively aroma of the shedding trees
or the crackling of steps through untrodden leaves.

Maybe it's the couples along the river-walk with hands held tight
or the spider's network of labor nearly hidden from sight
or the geese in the park preparing for their flight.

Whatever it is that makes it so neat,
I'm sure today that nothing could beat
This slow walk through the fall on Spring Street.

Ulysses

Josh Garrels is singing my soul again. These lyrics are from his song Ulysses from his newest album Love, War, and The Sea In Between. The album is free, so I obviously recommend that you pick it up (here). Ulysses is in my playlist for the blog, so I also recommend that you listen to it while you read along.

Ulysses

I'm holding on to hope that one day this could be made right.

I've been shipwrecked and left for dead

and I have seen the darkest sights.

Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night

But oh my heart still burns

tells me to return

and search the fading light.

I'm sailing home to you I won't be long.

By the light of moon I will press on

until

I find

my love.

Trouble has beset my ways, and wicked winds have blown.

Sirens call my name, they say they'll ease my pain then break me on the stones

But true love is the burden that will carry me back home

Carry me with the

memories of the

beauty I have known

I'm sailing home to you, I won't be long

By the light of moon, I will press on

SO TIE ME TO THE MAST OF THIS OLD SHIP AND POINT ME HOME

BEFORE I LOSE THE ONE I LOVE, BEFORE MY CHANCE IS GONE

I WANT TO HOLD

HER IN

MY ARMS

(emphasis mine)

Giraffes With Headbands

These are giraffes with headbands. Just a little something I was working on. I tried to find a picture of them online, but the entire first page of Google images didn't have one, therefore I assumed that it did not exist. So I made my own.

That aside, I'm not really sure what else to share. I've been writing some poetry and some other stuff. I've been inspired by the idea of storytelling in poetry as opposed to my typical modus operandi of puzzle-making. Instead of trying to encrypt my feelings into a linguistic and thematic puzzle, I've been trying to tell a story with what I feel. There's still a lot of the old puzzle-making remnants lying around, but I can see a difference in my writing. Can you?

Industry

I hear the whistle as the train comes 'round the bend.

Industry, machinery, toiling to no end.

Wheels turn, fires burn life to death to fuel the machine.

With blinders on, we work to claim what we've never seen.

With no true goal, we strive to see beyond our sight.

But some remove the blinders and in mystery delight.

And there find the life they've been burning all along:

Sight turns to art, confusion to joy, and sound into a song.

But with hammer I keep striking at my cold, dead life.

And here, before You now, life strikes back.

I'm down, out, KO'd, knocked out by life's first punch.

There, between the live I've always wanted and the death I've always feared,

There I will live.

Or how about this one?

Butterfly

There's a butterfly on the palm of my hand

It tickles but I hope it stays

I can't use that hand now

But I think I like it best that way

I remember when it landed there

It was too good to be true

And ever since I've been fighting

I want to grasp, squeeze, and hold it

So that it won't fly away

But my most tender grasp will kill its life

So I can only embrace it with open hand

Birthday Post?

So it's my 21st birthday right now and I feel awfully reflective. This birthday honestly snuck up on me. I didn't build up any anticipation until about 3 hours ago, and even now I don't feel very excited about this whole crazy idea of celebrating the anniversary of my birth into this world, this flesh.... But I do feel reflective.

I've been reading a fairly wide array of things lately. Between philosophy of religion, Chinese humanities, comparative ethnic studies, linguistics, and the typical blogs, bible, and articles on Relevant (along with a couple other Christian-Lit books), I have had a diverse stream of ideas running through my consciousness-dam. This has lead to a lot of insights and subsequent dramatic expansion of my perspective of God and things. I guess these are the things I'm mostly musing on right now, which seems odd. I feel like I should be contemplating the joy of life and being alive since it's my birthday, but it's barely 1:00am right now, so there will be plenty of time for that to come.

One of the crazy ideas I've been able to process lately comes from my Chinese humanities course. The focus is on the Tang Dynasty as a model Golden Age of Chinese civilization, but most of us in the class knew nothing about China beforehand, so there has been a lot of background info laid out for us to set the context for the rest of our learning. One of the biggest things I've grabbed from this class has been the idea of Yin and Yang and how challenging it is to the common Western mindset. We always seek to compartmentalize, divide, and understand things. That doesn't work with Yin and Yang.

A lot of times Christians will talk about the need for a "balance" between two things in life. This shows up with things like faith and reason, outreach and personal growth, prayer and action, work and rest, love and justice, abounding happiness and melancholy thoughtfulness. All of these things we understand as opposites that are working against each other. Praying isn't acting, reaching out isn't growing personally, believing isn't knowing, working isn't resting, being happy is not being thoughtful, and loving can't involve justice...

can it?

That's what I've learned from Yin and Yang. All these things that I try to divide and separate so that I can understand aren't really divided or separate when it comes to true reality. There is action within prayer and an aspect of prayer within action. Love is just and justice is loving. You can think while you're happy and be happy while you think. I can grow from reaching out to others and be equipped to reach out through personal growth. All these things are intertwined. They aren't two weights on opposite ends of the scale, they are two cords wrapping into the same rope. When I talk about needing a balance, I am really talking about wanting to be in control. I want to reach out just enough and grow personally just enough to make me happy (or perfect, or what have you). I want to make a formula out of life. But these parts of life don't have formulas. And that's on purpose. They shouldn't. God didn't tell us exactly how much of each part to have (with the exception of work/rest), because there is no single answer to that question and because that is the wrong question to be asking. We are supposed to be living honestly with God. If we can't be honest with Him then we can't be honest. In this honest life we have no reason to worry about getting everything just right. He will guide us and tell us where to add and take away. The real problem with the idea of "balance" is the underlying pride. We think that at some point we will get it all right, all balanced. We assume (maybe subconsciously) that we will eventually find and maintain these balance levels. God never tells us that that will happen. At least not in this life. The point of this all is that we need to live openly with ourselves and with God and stop trying to be something for Him. Because the balancing act is just that, an act.

I've also been thinking about belief and understanding lately. Basically, it's pretty dumb that we are so obsessed with them. Here's what Michael Gungor (who has a new album out, btw) said about it in his blog:

I think modern Christianity has placed far too much value on cognitive belief. In the stream of Christianity that I have had most experience with, it is actually the central issue to get people to philosophically adhere to a certain set of beliefs. This makes Christianity a sort of network marketing pyramid where the job of Christians is to simply get other people to believe like them so that… well, so that they can get other people to believe like them, and so on and so on. Like a pyramid scheme, it might grow ever fatter and larger, but doesn’t really have any point if the point is simply to believe something.

It reminds me of a little story Jesus tells in Matthew 7 where people are coming to Him at the end times and expecting a warm welcome. He tells them "I never knew you. Get away from me...." He doesn't tell them "You never believed in me," and He doesn't tell them "You weren't good enough for me." He says "I never knew you." This word here, "know," is really powerful. In the biblical context we see it being used to talk about the most intimate relationships man can experience. Jesus doesn't deny people because they needed to believe harder or live better, He denies them because they were never intimate with Him. They never knew Him. A little later in that blog, Gungor starts using the word "Reality" when talking about God. He says this:

What this does to my religion then is that my faith becomes more about encountering and experiencing this Reality than domesticating, dissecting or dogmatizing Him. It becomes less about “believing” in some invisible deity, and more about experiencing this Reality. The book of John refers to this Reality as “the Word.” Then he writes this beautiful statement that the Word became flesh in Jesus.

And then this:

Faith in God is not supposed to be primarily cognitive, it’s supposed to be an entirely different way of living.

Most people don’t primarily “understand” music. You listen to it. You play it. You dance to it. You sing. I’ve studied a lot of music theory, but I don’t fully experience music when I think about scales and modes and 12 tone rows… I experience music most fully when I engage with it.

Just a couple things I've been thinking about lately. Hopefully you can enjoy them as well :)

Falling/Thinking

Special note before we start: this marks the end of the my longest break from blogging. It wasn't a break in the sense that I told myself to take two months off, rather I just haven't had words to express anything in a while. That said, I'm back, and, thankfully, so are the words :)

Falling/Thinking

There's a cool breeze and cold toes

to match my warming heart wherever it goes.

The falling leaves crunch or run

while inside a spring has sprung for a certain one.

A particular friend,

an uncertain end.

An oasis after this desert dune,

or a mirage, more salt for my opened wound.

A what-if motif themes my thoughts,

I fear I'll try to buy what can't be bought.

Or it can, in a two-pack with your choice of red lights or divorce.

But I want the real one where we choose its course.

Less falling than thinking,

more loving than sinking.

This fire could create or consume, fashion or feast

And I don't know which one, but for now, at least,

I'm falling/thinking.

Joshua

I had coffee today, so I feel like I need to accomplish something. It appears that writing an overdue blog post will be that something.

I finished the book of Joshua weeks ago. I don't even remember when I finished it actually. It may have been during SICM, it may have been during the mission trip I went on with the youth group to Riverside, or it may have been sometime during the past few weeks here in the Tri-Cities, I really don't know. But now you know what I've been up to lately and I think it's high time for me to share about the book of Joshua.

When I finished reading Joshua, I realized quickly that my thematic summary of the book would be short. In fact, what I got out of it boils down to just three words.

God is Faithful.

That's pretty much it. During the first five books of the Bible, God makes a lot of promises with the Israelites whom He chose to be His people. I suggest that Joshua is, essentially, the story of God fulfilling those promises and proving His Faithfulness.

I really want to end this post here, but I can't. Lately, God has been showing this same extraordinary Faithfulness to me quite bluntly. I've had a tough time adjusting to life down here. It should be going fine. The part-time hours for the internship are enough to keep me active, but not too much for me enjoy the more chill pace of summer. Even the time I spend at work is a huge blessing. Getting to hang out with youth, play games, talk about Jesus stuff, it's all great. Life around the house has been good too. There haven't been any major lifestyle adjustments I've had to make (or many minor ones, for that matter). But for some reason

I've felt isolated and alone.

In my desperation, I refused to turn to God. I don't know what I turned to but it could only have been myself since I felt so alone. And I stopped reading the Bible. I stopped praying. I stopped listening for Him. I cut all the wires I could find that connected me to Him and held the severed ends away from each other in case they tried to pull themselves back together. I refused to even dip a toe into the pool of Christian fellowship and instead dove head first into the escapist sea of videogames. It's not that videogames are a sea of escapism. But playing them for over 6 hours a day for an entire week makes them a leaky submarine into that sea. I was drowning alone in my own decisions. And I think I did drown. Or at least I got to the point where I had given up on breathing, because I was numb for most of last week and didn't care to try to feel or care or love or obey anymore. My facade of apathy was nearing completion and I was about ready to give up on the rest of summer.

And God was Faithful.

This is where the pen runs out of paper for now. I have only just started the journey out of this hole I made. I listened for God for the first time in weeks last Friday. I made new friends for the first time in weeks this Sunday. I read my bible for the first time in a week today. So I don't know what comes next. Not much has really changed yet. But there's a light of hope over everything now. The scenery hasn't changed, but I'm seeing it with new eyes. Thank You God for new eyes.

Why the Good Guy Always Wins

I spent this last week in beautiful Bellingham, Washington attending the Northwest Student Institute of Campus Ministry. SICM (as it is affectionately known) is a week of intensive leadership training and practice that focuses on developing student leaders for campus ministry, specifically through Chi Alpha. This was my second time through SICM and it was at least as valuable this time around as it was last time. Though there is plenty to tell about SICM, that is not the intent of this post. In fact, the only reason I mention it is to say that there was a book table at SICM from which I purchased C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity. This is the first Lewis that I have read, though I have been made familiar with several of his other works through enthusiastic friends and acquaintances and the occasional fanatical stranger in a bookstore (which is my favorite kind of bookstore stranger, by the way :). I am not very far (would the appositive to that be "short" or "near"?) into the book and I have come across an idea that I would like to muse on. Conveniently, I have this little blog here for things just like that.

Before I begin my musing, a quick note regarding my "Bible in 90 Days" plan. Once more, my ambitions have exceeded my abilities. I will still be reading straight through the Bible and blogging about each book as I finish it, but these posts will be fewer and further between than they were before due to my less expendable schedule during my internship. This is a humbling admission for me, but it is also reminiscent to the origins of this blog, so that is a source of hope that good will still come out of this. Now, to the point.

I would like to open the eyes of my readers to a particular pattern that I have noticed in most every story that I have ever been told through any medium. In the breadth of my experience, my thematic analysis of stories has revealed a pattern that has carried on throughout time and across cultures and throughout civilizations: the good guy always wins. No matter the impression of insurmountable odds or the numerous defeats along the way, the character in a story representing the moral Good will almost assuredly prevail. I say "almost" here because there is the occasional author who desires to tell a tale that goes against the grain and will therefore have the moral Good be defeated for the sake of expressing individuality and uniqueness. My point remains no less.

Pseudo-intellectualism aside, I've always wondered why the good guy had to win. It seems obvious that the protagonist should prevail, that's why he is the protagonist. But why should the protagonist have to stand for things like love and truth and honesty and Good? Surely the hero must stand for something, otherwise he would be seeking a means to an end and there would be little to admire in him. And I think that's why he must stand for moral Good. Evil is nothing to stand for. Not because it is frowned upon, but because it has no ground of its own. Good can be done simply for the sake of good. I might tell the truth even though if it would certainly get me in more trouble than lying because telling the truth is right. But I would never lie if it would get me in more trouble than telling the truth (except, maybe, because of a lack of foresight, but not knowingly). I would only lie if I thought that there were some benefit to lying that would make it profitable over telling the truth. So Good is something to stand for, it has some grounds to it where is might even be sacrificed for. Meanwhile, Bad is simply a means to an end. This is reflected in every story we as humans have developed. Even in the stories where the bad guy wins, he is still seeking some end (power, money, safety, love, etc.) through means that are morally Bad. This explains why the good guy wins and why the winner must stand for Good (maybe those are the same point). As the good guy, he stands for something larger, perhaps eternal. The bad guy, however, is a simple utilitarian. He stands for nothing; he simply seeks something. One character that seems to challenge this assertion is the Joker from the Batman series. The Joker appears to exist for the sake of Bad. The bad things he does are not means to a certain end, but rather are an expression of his desire for Evil. So here we have a villain who stands for something, an antagonist we might cheer for. But when we truly examine the character of the Joker, we discover that Evil is simply his pleasure of choice. From destruction and pain he gets the same sort of feelings that most of us get from creativity and love. So even for the Joker and real people like him who we might call psychopathic maniacal sadists (those are real terms with real meanings, not just empty derogatory language), Evil is a means to an end. One might argue that there could hypothetically be some individual who genuinely stood for evil. Given an adequate description of this supposed individual (which is something that I have never encountered), I may agree that one could, hypothetically stand for Evil on its own (again, I have never encountered such a description nor heard of its existence). The problem with this is that the point would be entirely hypothetical. This individual does not exist. No matter the hypothetical evidence, we would not be dealing with reality. Accepting this hypothetical description as truth would require the acceptance of a false reality. But there are real people who really do stand for Good on its own, even when it is to their personal detriment.

The point of all this? I'm not sure. It's mostly just an exploration of human story telling. It does appear to reveal that Good is an inherently greater force than Evil, but that doesn't feel like a very profound or mysterious discovery. I would love to hear any feedback or thoughts you might be having on the issue, as it is easy to assume that what I've written is complete and correct simply because I wrote it. Also, I kind of just like conversation, it's a great garden for ideas and perspective :)

Deuteronomy

This book is like winding a spring. Moses' first address of the Israelites in Deuteronomy reviews their time from Egypt to present and begins to wind the spring up. His second address reviews and renews God's laws, bringing the spring in even tighter. Moses' third speech is the unloading of the spring. His farewell address launches Israel into their future in the land that has been promised to them.

Within that big picture are a few details that need highlighting. Moses tells us that God did not choose us because of our strength (7:7). This verse releases two big nasty Truths to romp about through the mental facade of reality that we have so carefully created, leaving our pretty little boxes and compartments decimated. First, God chooses us. No matter how unfair it may seem or how unworthy we feel, it is clear here (and elsewhere) that God does the choosing. Whenever I really commit myself to thinking about this, I can't make any sense of how God's choosing is Just. It seems that one of the foundational principles of His relationship with us is our free-will, but His choosing us seems to be a plain contradiction of that. Maybe He chooses us based on something we choose. So if I choose to obey then He will choose to bless, or something like that. I really don't know. Like I said, decimated.

The second big nasty Truth monster is that God doesn't want us because of what we can do. However the whole Him choosing us thing works, it's not based on our own strengths or abilities. Moses tells Israel that God "...chose you, not because you were more numerous than all peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples." (7:7 HCSB). God doesn't seem worried about what Israel is able to do for Him. He chose the nation that was "...the fewest of all peoples." We see this Truth again if we peek ahead to Psalm 50:12-15 where God says "If I were hungry, I would not tell you, for the world and everything in it is Mine." (Psalm 50:12 HCSB). God doesn't come to us looking for us to take care of Him. We have not been chosen because of our ability to provide for God. In Psalm 50:14-15 we see the reason for our calling: "Sacrifice a thank offering to God, and pay your vows to the Most High. Call on Me in a day of trouble; I will rescue you, and you will honor Me." Pretty cool stuff.

I also thought that Moses' farewell speech in chapter 30 was worth taking an extra look into. It's an amazing benediction and sets the bar pretty high for all farewell speeches ever if you ask me. You should look into it.

Numbers

I had a big, long, smart sounding post written up for this.

But I can't bring myself to post all that because, honestly, it's really prideful and intentionally complex just to make me seem more wise or in tune with God or something.

The brutal truth is that I'm falling behind in my reading. I'm having a hard time catching back up and the more I force myself to read the more I feel like I'm only reading because I have to.

I did finish reading the book of Numbers today and the parts that I didn't skim over or sulk through were actually pretty interesting. I think it's mostly about God's Faithfulness in preparing and purifying His people.

It takes an interesting and confusing side trip into the life of Balaam and I don't really understand much of what goes on there. Why was God mad at Balaam for going with the officials when He had just told him to go with the officials? Did he do it wrong? Was he not supposed to bring his donkey or his two servants? Had Balaam said something that God didn't tell him to say? Nothing seems to change after God chastises Balaam; he just continues to go with the officials. So what was wrong?

I don't have any answers.

I also don't know how to end this post. It is something of an anomaly for me. I think it's a part of God wanting me to simplify my life. I make things complicated when they aren't and I don't know why. Maybe I have some internal desire for conflict or complexity so I can't accept things that are simple.

I'm really just confused right now. Sorry if this is awkward or disappointing or something negative like that.

I'm gonna go be quiet for a while.

Thanks for putting up with me :)

-Nik.

Leviticus

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Wordle, I used the entire text of Leviticus to create the above word cloud in which larger words appear in the text more often and smaller words less often. This tool is often used to determine the main focus of a text (Biblical or not). Here you can see that the main focus of Leviticus(according to Wordle) is the LORD with our offering coming in second. Now allow me to offer a word cloud of the things I have heard about Leviticus in the past year:

I suppose it goes without saying that Leviticus doesn't receive a very accurate representation these days. You'll notice that the word "homosexual" does not appear in any form in the cloud of the actual text of Leviticus. So why do we focus so heavily on this "theme" of the text (that is, if two mentions can be called a "theme")? Christians like to try to be relevant. This search for relevance will need to be the topic of another blog post some other day, but for now, suffice it to say that we're doing it wrong. We should approach scripture with an open mind, reading it for what it says instead of coming in looking for an answer and cherry-picking that answer out of context. So before you open your Bible to Leviticus to tell your Atheist friend what God says about gays, try reading the whole book first, it's actually not that long. You'll probably find some cool stuff in there that you didn't realize before. For example:

There are two themes that readily stand out in Leviticus. The first is God's Holiness. God tells Moses that His laws are set in place so that the Israelites can be holy, which is desirable because God is Holy. Over and over again God reminds His people of His Holiness and of the fact that He is making them holy through His Law. I grew up thinking that holy meant perfect. A holy person was perfect and they knew it. And they knew that you weren't. It wasn't until recently that I learned that holy just means set apart and it usually implies a purpose. So when God tells the Israelites that He is making them holy, He is telling them that He is setting them apart with a purpose. They are seeking after something different than the people around them. And while their goals are arguably better than those of the people around them, this holiness doesn't mean that the Israelites are themselves better than anyone else. Neither are we.

The second theme that stands out to me in Leviticus is redemption. This theme is a little less obvious than the last one. While holiness is an overarching theme throughout the entire book, redemption is really only focused on in one chapter (25). Without going into too much detail (you really should read it for yourself), the concept of redemption in Leviticus refers to buying something back. For one example, if a man sold another man his home, he could "redeem" it (buy it back) within a year for the full price plus one fifth if he wanted/needed to move back. This historical understanding of redemption serves to enhance our understanding of Christ's work on the cross. We were God's, but our sin separated us from Him. So He came to Earth and died to pay the redemption cost for us. He wanted us back, so He payed for all the sin that separated us from Him (plus one fifth? ;). While that nicely summed up in just a few sentences, this is perhaps one of the most profound events in our history, and shoud be pondered and reflected upon as such.

All this without mention of the Year of Jubilee, skin diseases, sacrificial offerings, or holy festivals. Each of these (except maybe skin diseases) could be their own blog entry!

Exodus

Moses' life was completely transformed by his encounters with God. When he first met with God, Moses was nearly faithless. God told him he would lead and speak but Moses didn't believe he could do it. Even through the plagues, Moses was still at the whims of the Israelites. When they complained to him, he complained to God. When they feared death, he feared death. But somewhere during that process we see Moses transformed to the point where in Chapter 14 he can respond to the people's cry of fear with courage.

(10)As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw the Egyptians coming after them. Then the Israelites were terrified and cried out to the LORD for help. (11)They said to Moses: "Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you took us to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? (12)Isn't this what we told you in Egypt: Leave us alone so that we may serve the Egyptians? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness." (13)But Moses said to the people, "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and see the LORD's salvation He will provide for you today; for the Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. (14)The LORD will fight for you; you must be quiet." (14:10-14 HCSB)

Through the rest of the book, God is raising up His people in His ways. He provides for them (16-17:7) and protects them (17:8-15) and teaches them how to be His people (18:17-23, 20:1-17, 21-23, and others). God also shows the power of His Presence, the wonder of His Holiness, and the fullness of His Glory (19:16-19, 20:18-21, and 33:18-34:35). And among all of this, He builds an intimate relationship with Moses. Moses was able to talk with God "just as a man speaks with his friend" (33:11 HCSB).

It's easy to look at the teaching and the friendship as separate events. Over here, we have the god of the commandments and the law and the statutes. Then, separately, somewhere else, we have the god of relationship and mercy and grace. But we don't have a god. We have God and He has us. He is Loving and Just. He is Jealous and Merciful, Powerful and Graceful. And He is all of these in One (and Three) at once. This is confusing. It makes sense that the world goes crazy when He shows up (19:16-19), He is a lot of Presence to deal with. He is so unlike anything we have ever known or can ever imagine that seeing His face would kill us (33:20). What does that even mean? Seeing God's face? We talk about it a lot. Every so often someone will encourage me or someone around me to "seek God's face." Is that a death wish? What do we expect to find in seeking God's face? I don't think God ever encourages people to seek His face (if I'm wrong, this reading plan will show me that soon enough). Maybe, instead, we should seek His friendship/law (I think we can call that "covenant relationship"). That's what Moses did. He was guided in covenant relationship with God. He was given laws and commandments and friendship time with God and through all of this, Moses' life was completely transformed. In reading through Exodus, that is what I see. I see a people being transformed; being brought out of an old life and into a new life through covenant relationship with YHWH, the One Who Is.

Genesis

I've started a reading plan that takes you through the entire Bible in just 90 days. Initially, this was a really intimidating task, but just a few days in to it and it seems much more achievable. I plan to journal on my reading after every book and I will share some of that journal here for your reading pleasure. These posts should come every few days, so I likely won't have much else to post during this time.

So here it is, the beginning:

These are the stories of men who walked closely with God. Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph all had deep relationships with God that determined the course of their lives. They were all distincly human as well. Each of these men had trouble living out their devotion to God and often gave in to the pressures of others, of fear, of pride. Abraham feared the Philistines and lied that Sarah was his sister. Isaac did the same with Rebekah. Jacob deceived Esau, obsessed over Rachel and deceived Laban. Joseph hid his identity from his brothers and treated them unjustly. But these actions are clearly not the things that defined these men. Abraham followed God's guidance all over the region. He received his blessing from God in Isaac, but he was willing to sacrifice Isaac for the Lord. Isaac loved his family and followed God's guidance. Jacob followed God's guidance, settled disputes justly, and blessed his sons. Joseph suffered greatly at the hands of others but stayed close to God all along, even responding to them with love. He served the Lord greatly in Egypt and God used him to provide for the world during the famine.

In this book, I see what it is like to be a man of God. I see myself in Abraham. I see myself in Isaac. I see myself in Jacob and in Joseph. Their stories are mine as well. I see my brokenness beside His providence and my antagonistic will beside His perfect will. No matter how many times I am unfaithful to God, He always remains faithful to me. Even from this beginning, God's same Truth has remained. He does not require perfection of me, He only wants devotion. So I must remain devoted to Him. I will be His people and He will be my God.

Oh Bonhoeffer...

So I'm reading this book called Life Together by an amazing disciple of Christ, Dietrich Bonhoeffer. If you have not heard Bonhoeffer's life story, you should check it out. Despite his apparent relaxed and bespectacled nature* in the photo above, Bonhoeffer's writing is some of the most challenging I have found. It challenges me to to act differently, yes, but it also challenges me at the core of how I think about God. As an example, in the chapter I am currently reading (and I mean currently; the book is open mid-chapter next to me as I type this) about the essential parts of fellowship, Bonhoeffer writes of the reading of scripture:

"[During consecutive reading of Biblical books] A complete reversal occurs. It is not in our life that God's help and presence must still be proved, but rather God's presence and help have been demonstrated for us in the life of Jesus Christ. It is in fact more important for us to know what God did to Israel, to His Son Jesus Christ, than to seek what God intends for us today. The fact that Jesus Christ died is more important than the fact that I shall die, and the fact that Jesus Christ rose from the dead is the sole ground of my hope that I, too, shall be raised on the Last Day. Our salvation is 'external to ourselves.' I find no salvation in my own life history, but only in the history of Jesus Christ. Only he who allows himself to be found in Jesus Christ, in his incarnation, his Cross, and his resurrection, is with God and God with him. " (54)

Earlier in the chapter, he challenges our appetite for small amounts of detail-focused scripture.

"When the practice [of reading a chapter of the Old Testament and at least half a chapter of the New Testament every morning and evening] is first tried, of course, most people will find even this modest measure too much and will offer resistance. It will be objected that it is impossible to take in and retain such an abundance of ideas and associations, that it even shows disrespect to God's Word to read more than one can seriously assimilate. These objections will cause us quite readily to content ourselves again with reading only verses.

...

"Not only the young Christian but also the adult Christian will complain that the Scripture reading is often too long for him and that much therein he does not understand. To this it must be said that for the mature Christian every Scripture reading will be 'too long,' even the shortest one. What does this mean? The Scripture is a whole and every word, every sentence possesses such multiple relationships with the whole that it is impossible always to keep the whole in view when listening to details. It becomes apparent, therefore, that the whole of Scriptures and hence every passage in it as well far surpasses our understanding. It is good for us to be daily reminded of this fact, which again points to Jesus Christ himself, 'in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge' (Col, 2:3). So perhaps one may say that every Scripture reading always has to be somewhat 'too long,' because it is not merely proverbial and practical wisdom but God's revealing Word in Jesus Christ." (51-53)

I guess I haven't really processed this stuff enough to be able to offer any sort of humble wisdom here, but I just thought I should share those quotes. Let them challenge the way you read scripture and the way you think about God and how He reveals His Truth to us. I'm gonna go let my brain stop hurting for a bit.

*I used "bespectacled" just because I think it's a fun word. That is all.