Actually, no.
I'm just gonna sit in the dust for a little while.
My life has been incredibly average this summer. I worked 40's, did very little traveling, did very little reflecting. My sister got married in May. It was the most beautiful weekend. I returned to Omak for the first time since my parents moved down to the Tri-Cities. I didn't get to see most of the people I wanted to, but I got to spend time with some people that mean a lot to me. I spent most of my time in Pullman with my co-workers. We often went beyond the mandatory 40 hours a week that we were required to spend together in order to hang out more. They are fantastic people and I hope I can treat them as excellently as they deserve. Tomorrow I set out on a roadtrip to end my summer. It will include a wedding, camping, and a rodeo at least.
But tonight, I sit in the dust. I unroll the map and look at where I've been.
And I think I'm done trying. I've spent so much energy over so many years trying. Trying to impress people. Trying to impress myself. Trying to impress God. Trying to look like someone who matters. Trying to look like someone who doesn't matter. Trying to look like someone who doesn't care whether he matters or not but who really cares about looking like he doesn't care.
Esse quam videri. To be, rather than to appear. I'm done appearing. I'm done trying to look like or be or feel anything. I'm ready to be. I'm ready to feel.
This summer, I've learned to be and to feel. I've learned that real life can be boring. I've learned that even my most intricate webs of lies still fall apart eventually. There's no sense in building them back up. It's better to just leave them lying there in the dust.
PAPER PLANES
He stands up and carefully steps towards the door, map in hand, and then out of the dusty room. The door creaks shut slowly, pauses with just a sliver of light still coming in, and then closes gently.
CUT TO:
His hands brushing dust off of pants. He picks up the map and walks down the blank hall, folding the map as he goes. The walls are painted navy blue and completely unadorned. There are no windows and no other doors or walkways. At the end of the hall nearest the ext. door, he sets the now folded map down on an end table that is painted to look like mahogany. The map is folded into a paper airplane. HOLD ON folded map. CLOSE ON view from outside of hands pushing on the bar of glass ext. door and body leaning forward as ext. door opens.
THE END
Posts
