This Post Has Two Parts, So Does This Title.

Part 1: A Year in Review

I've been putting off writing this blog post for a while. Not necessarily postponing this content, just this post, chronologically. It is my first post in this new year of 2011. As many of you are aware (indeed, any of you who read the intro stuff at the top of this page), my initial plan for this blog was to contain all of my poetry for one year. That year was 2010. Again, it is now 2011. This has left me with quite the dilemma. I began to write this first blog post before the new year came around, but was unable to finish it. The beginning I had read as follows:

"I was startled to find out this morning that it was the last one of 2010. What strikes me the most about this is that my one-year poem-writing commitment is now up.

Exactly a year ago today I started to dream up this crazy idea of writing poetry every day. I remember wondering what 365 poems would look like. Wondering how many notebooks that would take. Estimating that it would take five and 15 pages of a sixth based on standard notebook size of 70 pages. I wondered what I would be writing about in one year. I wondered what kind of story would be chronicled in my writing. What would there be to learn from this project? What would I have to look back on? When this year was over, who would I be?
I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make a habit. There are roughly 17 of these 21 day periods in a year. That's 17 new habits. 17 new things that have become so routine that they require less thought. 17 new parts of daily life. If each of these took an hour of the day, that would be 70% of each day devoted to something new. So, you see, a lot can change in a year.
This morning, as I reviewed my writings from the past year, I saw much change and development of thought. I also noticed that I had only 41 of my proposed 365 entries (this post makes 42). 42/365. That is a terrible grade. 11.5%. An absolute failure. This is the grade of the kid in high school who you never knew was in your math class. This is the grade of someone who isn't even trying. It is the approximate grade of the steepest segment of the Cass Scenic Railway. My point is, by my initial standards and expectations, this year was terrible.."

Perhaps it was this realization of abject failure that drove me away from writing this post. Perhaps. But when I again review my 41 posts from the past year, my general assessment is not one of failure. I cannot honestly look through those writings and be even disappointed, let alone feel like a total failure. God clearly had His own plan in mind when He set me out on this journey. Being able to see the growth in my writing, the emotional development of my words, the evolution of my writing style, and the often twisted path that my soul traveled along over the past year is a gift beyond belief. And I do not believe that this gift was intended to stop giving after one year. In light of that belief, I give You... the first post of 2011.

Part 2: Jesus on my neck-uh-liss-iss-izz

Last weekend was XA Winter Camp. It was fantastic. It would be rather taxing for me to try and put in to words the Joy I experienced over these few short days. For all who were there, even the ones that I have still not been graced to meet, I thank you for contributing enormously to my experience with Christ this weekend. It was fantastic and so are you.

A chief concern coming out of a Winter Camp type of experience is how to capture fully the lessons that were learned during that time. I regret to inform you that I cannot do this. The level at which the Spirit moved in me this weekend is one that I do not yet comprehend. I could feel God moving large things around inside me. These things had not been moved in a long time, perhaps ever. They were heavy and dusty. They left an indent behind when they were moved. The floor beneath them shuddered and creaked as they were slid along. I could feel the vibrations. I don't know what these things were/are. I don't know which of those verbs to use; "were" or "are". But I know that this movement, this reordering and redesigning, had profound impacts on my external being. I have prayed with my heart ripped open on the floor before God. I have approached the Throne shouting, sobbing, screaming, and singing.

I have been known.

And a few things have been made known to me, one of which I feel ready to share via this medium. But before I do that, I must apologize for the Ke$ha reference that is the title of this Part 2. I'm also sorry for furthering everyone's confusion on how one pronounces the "$" symbol when it is used in a name. I'm still largely undecided on this key cultural issue, but I'm pretty sure a lot of us are getting it wrong. That said, I believe the Spirit has something more important for me to share (I guess "more important" doesn't really say much in this case, but hey...).

One of the more interesting parts of what I am about to share is how I managed to come about it. Suffice it to say that Facebook can indeed be a tool of ministry and spiritual growth. I know, I didn't believe it at first either. While composing a response in this Facebook exchange on the intricacies of Christian art, I was cornered by the Spirit on the concept of "neutral" actions. These are the things that we think have no influence on our spiritual lives. You know, that thing you like to do when you've got free time. Or that show you watch just for the comedic escapism that it offers. Or that music you listen to because it's "clean." Or those books you read so you can get away from reality and pretend for just a little bit on weekends that you are living the life of someone else; that you aren't really the person who God created you to be. These are some of the actions that Christians often deem as "neutral." Indeed, these things generally are not inherently sinful. One of my major "neutral" actions is videogames. I like to play videogames. I have stayed up to date with the latest Call of Duty, Halo, and Assassin's Creed games for a few years now. I also have a GameBoy Color emulator on my cell phone that I like to play Pokemon Yellow on. I don't believe that playing any of these games is inherently sinful. Maybe you would disagree. Finish reading this post and if you still disagree, let me know, I love discourse :) While I don't view playing games as inherently sinful, I also don't see room for glorifying God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength when I do this. When I look at Jesus' message in the gospels, and Paul's message in the epistles, and the Old Covenant of the Old Testament, I do not see any room for a faith with such "neutral" distractions. Jesus tells us to sell all we have and follow Him. Paul tells us to set our very thoughts on whatever is pure, and noble, and good. The Old Covenant has us lay every part of our lives before Him, and make sacrifices to atone for the parts that are displeasing.

Since camp, I have felt called (and I do not believe it to be a unique or individual calling) to chase after God with the same passion that I have been directing to videogames for years. I want to make Christian living that thing I like to do with my spare time. I want reading scripture to be my pastime. When my mind wanders, I want it to wander about God's character. I want my stray thoughts to be about His face. I want to have to snap myself out of thinking about His desire to love the people around me so that I don't miss that "clearly more important" thing in lecture. Don't misunderstand me. I do not wish to sideline my faith. I am not trying to trivialize Christ and His sacrifice. Rather, I am trying to realize these things. I desire to make them so true to myself that they replace the things that seem to constantly consume me. In the words of one David Crowder, "I'm so bored of little gods / while standing on the edge of something large / while standing here so close to You / we could be consumed." In short, I want Jesus to be my Savior, my Lord, and my hobby.